........

I thought I would be in a better mood than yesterday. No... not as bad as yesterday, but still bad. Maybe it's because of what caused it before, an unknown cause or a problem tomorrow like folkdancing (I have two left feet) and Math (I like academics, but strangely, not Math) or something that might happen tomorrow. The latter don't affect me too much, the stress always wears off soon. It's possible that it's just stress or a chemical imbalance somewhere in my body, but my doctors say that I'm healthy.

I want to draw to release the "pain", but time never allows me this days. I'm either loaded with work to do or too sick/tired to do anything. I feel like I can't talk about it to other people like my parents. They might not have the time and could start worrying too much about me, and I wouldn't want that. And if I told other people, they might not really care or the other stuff I mentioned in the last case.

What's more tormenting is that I can't expel all the negative feelings I have. Crying will make me look weak, but I'm tearing up while typing this. I've always thouhgt that I had to be strong to survive, being assertive and sometimes aggressive and violent. But inside, I feel like crying all the time, when things don't go my way or when the world feels like it tortures or repels me. I don't feel like anyone understands exactly what I'm saying or thinking. The tears just won't flow.

I heard from somewhere that I am never alone. If I ever feel lonely, I should think that there is a reason why I'm even here (from two Wild Arms games, actually). I firmly believed that they were true, but my beliefs seem to waver when I'm down like this. The agony is just too much to take, even though the cause is still uncertain. But I want to see the pain end. Not by running away from the present, but by enduring it all, and the irritating things that come with it (check the stuff I listed at the beginning). I guess I'm ready to face everything now... maybe after a while to pour all the tears I've held back. Sometimes it just needs to be done.

Drawing... I did this a few days ago. I made it when I was feeling not as bad as this.

Maybe I should really express my emotions more, through blogging, art, or direct confrontation with someone who could listen. Aya, thanks so much for the advice.

So, I shall return.