Some Things Lost

Feels like something was shattered. All of a sudden I feel lost.


Yes. You might have gotten the idea that this is going to be a personal post. I'm not usually like this and I prefer to not mind these problems too much. I need to let these things that people don't expect me to be experiencing out. Read this. I linked to it some time ago, and it actually applies to everything you see here in this blog, but since the sidebar isn't really given attention, well, just read it before you go on. And yes, I don't have any specific person in mind when I make generalities. So, read on.

Like my grades. I got a 1.446 average this quarter. It's the highest I've ever gotten this year, but when I see the progress, I think "What now?". It looks like it will go down, and I might be out of the DL, again. While I'm worrying about staying in the list, others worry about raising their 1.3-something to above 1.25, or how their average is a little lower than the last quarter. Because of that, I feel like I'm a "lower-ranking one" among the director's listers. I hate it when I feel insecure.

And another realization this weekend. I'm not only a loner, but a lonely loner. Someone who is alone against their will. I kept insisting that it was my choice, but it turns out that I'm not able to stand being alone all the time. After talking to my mom about a certain person who seems to have changed so much that I can't keep up with and eventually drifted apart from. I only noticed that I really want a steady group of friends. They're sending me to a psychologist, though I fear that they'll only tell me to adjust to what my peers are like so that I could keep close friends. I don't want to sacrifice all of my individuality just to get company, but with the structure of peer groups, I wonder if there is another way.

I've seemed to have lost the reason why I blog. Blogging has lost it's spontaneity. It's because this stuff is getting too easy to get access of, so I have to be careful about what I place here instead of posting naturally. And honestly, I feel like that it has become a way to stratify people. That's why I'm now discouraged to blog as often as I used to.

And finally, my PS2 doesn't work. DX

Agh, never mind the last thing I said. That's all.


Signing off.